


Chapter 18 of "Then" -- Cassian's POV

by Starbird



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: 69 (Sex Position), Alternate POV of Existing Scene, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Chair Sex, F/M, Oral Sex, Porn with Feelings, Smut, different positions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-20
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-12-17 15:05:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11854083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starbird/pseuds/Starbird
Summary: This is Cassian's POV of the love scene at the end of chapter 18 of "Then."





	Chapter 18 of "Then" -- Cassian's POV

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, lovelies! I'm back! Soooo sorry it took me so long to get to this. I kind of agonized over it for some reason, and it took me a really long time to write. I hope you enjoy it. Thank you so much for encouraging me to write Cassian's POV!!
> 
> For those of you not coming over from ["Then"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10922973/chapters/24294072), this scene won't make much sense on its own...buuuut it also really sort of works by itself anyway. :) I really hope you'll check out "Then" if you haven't read it!

Cassian pulled Jyn into his cabin and shut the door, then turned away from her and grabbed his head. He felt like all his thoughts were going to come spilling out as they tumbled over one another in his mind.

He buried his face in his hands. “I gave you orders,” he finally said, his voice very quiet. “You deliberately disobeyed. _Why?_ ”

“I didn’t trust your contact,” Jyn said, and her voice was so gentle, but Cassian was still furious, _furious_ that she’d disobeyed, _furious_ that she _refused_ to _listen_ when he was only trying to do what was right, when he _knew_ what was right…. But if she hadn’t shown up and been watching his back….

Cassian’s thought trailed off as a new one slipped in.

“How did you even know….” he started. Then his voice trailed off, too, and he turned to her. He _knew_ how she knew the address of the meeting place. She’d seen it on his datapad when he’d let her look over the mission brief with him that was for his eyes only! He’d _trusted her_ with it and she’d – !

Jyn took a step back, but otherwise didn’t back down.

“You saw the address on my datapad,” Cassian said.

Jyn slowly shook her head. “I had to, Cassian.” Her voice was breathy, and after she spoke, her jaw snapped shut, as if she were embarrassed by her tone.

His anger hadn’t abated. She’d had no right to do that, no right to do _any of it_. He walked up to her, but still she didn’t back down, just looked up into his face and met his eyes. _“Don’t. Do it. Again.”_

“I can’t promise that,” she whispered. “I knew you were walking into something dangerous. I couldn’t let you.” She paused a moment, then added, “We’re a team.”

“That’s no excuse,” Cassian said. “If you were anyone else – ”

“But I’m not.”

Cassian stopped short. Her face was hard, and she was right. She _wasn’t_ just _anyone else_.

And they both knew it.

The fight was over.

Cassian wrapped his arms around her. “I’m glad you’re okay,” he said quietly. He slid his fingers up her neck and into her hair, then kissed her on the cheek. His lips lingered on the softness of her skin, and she turned her face to his, lips meeting his own. Yes, he was glad she was okay, but he was glad he was okay, too. There was always a chance that he could’ve gotten out of the situation with P4, but there was also a good chance the woman had had something else up her sleeve, knowing she had met him only to kill him. Jyn’s shot had taken her by surprise, and it had probably saved his life.

He needed to stop trying to protect Jyn.

Whether it was his decision or hers, he didn’t know, but soon they were on his bunk side by side, kissing hard and deep, his hand running up and down the bare skin of her side under her shirt. She rolled over onto her back, pulling him along with her, and he couldn’t stop his hips from grinding down into her, needing to feel her, needing to feel the friction and desperate to be close to her again. He had been so afraid to touch her after the incident at The Hotspot, and had let her take the lead, but he’d been wanting her so badly, wanted to be near her and with her and touching her and _in her_ so badly, showing her how much he cared and felt, but he was terrified he’d fuck up again. Even now, he cursed himself for grinding on her, for being unable to help his primitive self for wanting her so Force-damned _much_.

But then her hands grabbed at his belt and pants and she gasped, “Get these off,” and he was more than happy to comply, already so hard it hurt, needing release from her so much it ached. They only stopped kissing long enough to get their shirts over their heads, and Cassian helped Jyn remove the rest of her clothes. His hands shook, and he felt utterly incapable of performing, so high with anticipation and need and desire. He felt clumsy. He felt like his very first time when he didn’t know what the hell he was doing and it wasn’t good for her and it wasn’t good for him and he came too fast and he was sixteen and stupid and she never spoke to him again and when he saw her around base, he darted away to find a hiding place or pretended he didn’t see her and turned the other direction like a child.

Cassian took a deep, silent breath, and forced himself to focus. He looked into Jyn’s eyes, and then he slowly guided himself into her. Her gasp, deep and long and gorgeous, like it filled all of her, nearly stole his breath away and almost wrenched his control from him. His mind spun as he remembered their time together at The Hotspot. His roughness, his intensity. Her intensity, too. He watched Jyn’s eyes as he settled down onto his elbows, laying his forearms alongside her, moving gently and still so fearful she would push him away after he’d done that exact same thing to her.

But she didn’t, and each little quiet gasp in the dark and silence of his cabin made his heart beat harder for her. He wanted _more_ , wanted _her_ to feel more, wanted to give her everything of him and everything he knew. He didn’t know how she’d take what he wanted to ask – they’d only made love three times before – but he hoped she’d trust him.

Cassian’s eyes were still locked with Jyn’s when he whispered,  “Can I try something?”

Jyn nodded, and the look in her eyes said, _I trust you. All the way._ He pulled out of her and gently repositioned them so she was sitting backward on his lap, and he was holding her. He dragged his fingers through her hair, down out of its bun, and kissed her neck and shoulders as he rocked her. He’d only done this once before, with a target who had proven especially difficult to squeeze information from, and he’d had to do everything within his power to get it. He and Silvia had gotten along well immediately upon meeting, and he’d used that to his furthest advantage. He’d used it against her. Used himself against her. Used _her_ against her. The memory burned him. _We’ve all done terrible things on behalf of the Rebellion._ Some things were worse than others, but she’d been clear about how she’d felt when she found out he was just using her. Discarding her when he was done with her. She’d slapped him and he’d taken it. He didn’t even apologize. Silvia had never known and would never know that the information she’d given him had led to the toppling of her planet’s corrupt government, and that planet then being controlled by the Alliance. Cassian’s actions started a chain reaction that led to more soldiers, more weapons, lives saved, and multiple Alliance victories.

He’d deserved Silvia’s slap, but he didn’t regret his actions in the slightest.

Cassian closed his eyes as he wrapped his arms around Jyn and pressed his cheek into her hair, forcing the memory back to the dark place in his mind where it belonged, wanting for the slate to be wiped clean, to start over with Jyn. To build better memories, ones that would erase the dark ones that burned like acid in his mind.

“I’m glad you’re okay,” he whispered to Jyn, needing to hear something other than Silvia screaming at him in his head. _“Me alegra que estés bien.”_

Cassian readjusted his and Jyn’s bodies, pushing Jyn gently onto her hands and knees. He withdrew from her again and moved down the bed so his face was under her, and he could kiss her between her legs. He felt her body shake at the contact, felt how slick she was with her arousal, heard another of her quiet gasps. He needed her _closer_ , still needed more of her, every bit of her, and his hands came up to grip her hips and pull her down to him. Cassian’s arms slid around her waist, embracing her as his eyes closed and the whole of his focus centered entirely on her. He smelled her soap, he tasted her skin, he saw nothing in his mind but her, he felt her softness, he heard himself sigh his own satisfaction into her. Jyn was making only her small noises, hardly louder than his breaths against her as he took his own pleasure in pleasuring her.

Then suddenly, he felt her grip his base and her mouth followed shortly after, and he groaned, his head tilting back against the sheets. His mind whirled, and he felt the part of his brain associated with his spy training engage, noting every single detail and sense and filing it away and cataloguing it and cross-referencing it against anything he’d ever experienced or known before.

Because this…this was new.

There was so little Cassian felt he had to offer a woman, and so little new in life that he felt he could experience. But with Jyn, everything he experienced was new, so when the _truly_ new things did happen, they were nothing short of heart-stopping, and he wanted to remember everything. He forced his mind to split its attention between Jyn’s mouth on him and his mouth on her. Continuing to hold onto his control as best he could, he slid his fingers into her, crooked them, and sucked hard on her. Her mouth immediately pulled off of him as she came, and he felt her tighten up around his fingers. He smiled, and he started kissing her all over again.

When Jyn recovered, she returned her mouth to his shaft and added her hand into it. Her timing was off, her movements uncoordinated, and Cassian had been on the receiving end enough times to know she was inexperienced with this. It didn’t matter to him or make any difference – as he’d told her when relating the story of the poor Gamorrean, _It’s pretty good_ , so he wasn’t complaining – but a part of him was on alert for any sign that she might be uncomfortable, or that he was putting her in a position she didn’t want to be in. That hadn’t been his intent at all, and now that they were being intimate again after time apart, the last thing he wanted to do was pressure her.

But no alarms went off. Jyn seemed perfectly content. What she was doing felt good, and even more, Cassian _allowed_ himself to let it feel good. To not feel guilty or hate himself for having needs and wants and desires and for feeling passion. Cassian deliberately split his attention again between what she was doing to him and what he was doing to her, and it felt lazy and nice and good and like they had all the time in the galaxy to touch each other and just _be_.

He’d relaxed so much he almost caught the familiar sensation too late.

Cassian abruptly moved out of Jyn’s way and pulled her to him for a kiss so she didn’t think she was the cause of him stopping her. “Sorry,” he said. “You were getting me too close.” Jyn didn’t respond, but she did kiss him again, and he reached out behind her, to where his desk chair had been earlier. Carefully, he maneuvered them off the bed and onto the chair, with her on his lap and her hands on the back of the chair. Her shoulders hunched up to her ears and her eyes were closed. She pressed herself down firmly against him, taking him in deep, and then deeper still, and his forehead fell to her shoulder and her name fell from his lips. Cassian kissed her neck, kissed her breasts, kissed her nipples, and he rolled her hips onto him over and over, controlling their pace. He saw Jyn’s body soften, saw the tension dissolve from it like the thinnest shroud being shrugged off. Her eyes were still closed when he moved them back to the bed, cradling her body to his and gently laying her head on the pillow. Cassian kissed her face, her neck, her chest, and he kept his pace slow again, their hips rolling in perfect unison with one another. Sometimes he pressed his palms to her knees for additional leverage; sometimes he just lay over her, feeling all of her skin against all of his, and he kissed her again and again. He saw Jyn reach for him, but it was almost as if she couldn’t quite control her movements, and her arms fell away, the backs of her fingers brushing down his arms.

Cassian’s breath hitched, and he felt his heartrate quicken. His release was building, and he was terribly tempted to go hard and fast to get it out and relieve the awful ache inside him, that constricted his chest and made it hard for him to breathe, but that wasn’t what this was about, and now wasn’t the time. Cassian closed his eyes to concentrate, his jaw clenching as he moved faster in her but tried to moderate his pace, sweat tracing tracks down the sides of his face from his forehead. His fingertips and toes began to tingle and burn, his whole body began to tremble, the pressure built to an almost intolerable level so that he _couldn’t_ breathe, and then finally, with his last bit of breath before ecstasy took him away, he said,

“Jyn, I love you.”

And even though his eyes were closed, she was all he saw, and she was all he felt.


End file.
